Me: "Who has the best seat in the house, me or daddy?"

Adam: "Well, Daddy's is nice, but yours is best. Your's is squishier."

Monday, July 1, 2013

Layers of More

Natalie's first park day with our TJ Ed homeschool group

 Things are slowly returning
 to familiar patterns, including my insomniatic nights. 
It is in those early hours when I tread the line between mortal mind and Zen; that I skirt the edge of life's mysteries, believing I have almost brought the lens of some great cosmic camera into focus.
Last night in the wee hours I stood at a mental crossroads.  That is what happens when you look back at the bullet you dodged, stuck in the wall.  You start to wonder if, had that bullet reached it's mark, you would be satisfied with the chapters of the book of your life you had written up to that point.
Of course, for me, the answer to that is a resounding "heck no". 
Would you be happy with your mark on the world if you stepped off of it today?
As I thought about the opportunity that lay before me,
a word came to me over and over again;
More helpful.  More caring.  More honest.  More generous.  More genuine.
More... of everything good.
I want to spend more time with my kids, reading to them,
 doing crafts, laughing, playing.
time supporting my friends; helping them, reflecting back to them
 all the good that I see in them, so they never doubt it.
time reading the words of men and women who have walked a godly path;
scriptures, classics, talks and seminars (and even blogs... love this one).
art, music, and writing...
I will leave little of significant value behind on this planet.
 I have no wealth, but can pepper my children's lives with lovely things.
I want to learn to give More;
approval, acceptance, respect, honor.
The people in my life deserve the best I have to give.
I know its dangerous talking like this. 
 It would be easy to take on too much, to tackle more than I can truly manage,
 and then to fall apart in a tearful heap of utter failure.
But I can start with one little layer at a time. 
I think, in fact, that is the only way I will succeed. 
I can't do more of everything everyday,
but I can add just a little layer here and there,
 one day or week at a time.
I managed to say yes to taking the kids to the pool today
 (yesterday I said yes to just sprinklers; ask them- vast improvement!),
and Guy and I started reading The Great Gatsby together
 (move over, Better Homes Magazine!).
I started back to reading Catching Fire to Addy-Boy,
(sometimes more means trying again)
 and I babysat today for someone who needed it
(my first chance to offer service after having received so much).
It's a beginning. 
And tomorrow I will add only what I can,
not everything
just some things,
 a little layer of more at a time.

1 comment:

Lorraine said...

You write so eloquently. It has been fun to see your family growing up and the beginnings of a new life. Trust me, some of the rough edges of this time will smooth out with time. I would love to see you all but alas you don't live here in Utah. We love you and Guy--I'm sure we'd love your children as well. Just be content; with time you'll see what really matters and you'll see you have it all. Don't let yourself worry too much in this post partum time. Love