A note to my readers: Today you will fall into two camps; The "I-Nevers" and the "We Had One of Those". Hence, this post will be received in two COMPLETELY different frameworks. You I-Nevers (of which I am, also) will be shocked and appalled. Disgusted, perhaps. You W.H.O.O.T.s (We Had One of Those) will think I am making a mountain out of a slightly smelly molehill. You will try to tell me not to worry. You will say YOU never had any problems with yours (Oh, but wait! a whole bunch MORE of you will say you did have trouble once in a while. Which is it, people?!)
So here we go.
Once upon a time, cave men decided pooping in their cave was not especially lovely. Maybe it was the smell, maybe the flies, maybe seeing little Tronk Jr. walking around with a cave-truffle in his fist was losing it's charm. In any case, one day a cave mom, we'll call her Grunka, said, "From now on, everybody poops outside!" Of course, to Tronk and Tronk Jr, that meant 2 feet from the cave entrance. Grunka then clarified, "Away from the cave. And for good measure, bury it!"
Fast forward several million years, when Somebody said, "I know what we can do with all the poop! Let's bury a big tank just upwind of the house. It won't hold much, but that's okay, we will count on the magic of nature to "break down" the "solids" (read "eat" and "poop"). And then once every few years someone will come along and suck the muck out of the thing. Done and Done. It will be awesome."
Somebody's Wife said, "Fine for the "solids", but if I do laundry, wash dishes and bathe a few kids, that thing is gonna overflow."
"Not to worry!" said Somebody, "That's all part of the plan! See, we'll get these LOOOONG pipes with holes all up and down them, and we will bury them in the ground! The "excess liquid" will just drain off under the yard underground."
Somebody's Wife looked skeptical. Um, is he really saying we let the poo-water drain off into the yard? she asked herself. Under the yard, he would have corrected. Same difference, she would have grimaced.
There was some ridiculous blah-blah about microorganisms cleaning the runoff up before it heads out into the world. But all she hears is "underground poo-water pond".
And thus, my dear I-Nevers, was born what is still known today as "The Septic System". You can describe it in fancier terms, and produce all the science to explain why burying a poop-tank in the yard works well, and why draining poo-water into the yard is not problematic, but all I hear is cave-man talk.
*****
When we were looking at this house as potential buyers, I didn't bat an eye when they said the house had a "septic system". I had heard those words my whole life, and it was like the ol' grocery store choice of paper or plastic; baring any ethical concerns, it's just a different way of doing things. Well, it gets a little more involved once you become the proud owner of a subterranean poop-tank. First, you can't see it, because some bozo BURIED IT. You get a little hand drawn map of where it supposedly is, more-or-less, kinda-sorta located. Because everyone knows that approximations are the hall mark of excellent planning.
Then you go online to learn about it.
First, you learn that though a poop-tank only needs to be pumped out every 3-5 years with "normal" use. Not bad I guess, til you stumble on a chart that says, oh, no darling, not 3-5 years! You are a family of nine, so try every 14 months.
Next, you learn that you have to budget your water usage. Yes, the little germ-ies like to eat the fecal nibblets that come down the pike, but they can only handle so much water at a time. Yes, ma'ams and sirs, they get full tummies. Too much water (even the nice sort-of clean stuff like laundry and shower water) can overwhelm the system and stop the process, causing it to... GUM UP WITH BLACK SLIME! In other words, poo-water stays poo-water. AAAANNNNDDD... if the "Leach Field" (that's the underground poo-water pond) gets overwhelmed, the water begins to surface, converting the field into a poo-water marsh. Good times.
(Que peppy music:)
Time for a little math lesson!...
9 people x 1-10 minute shower each at 2 gallons a minute = 180 gallons of water
2 loads of laundry a day at 13 gallons of water per load = 26 gallons of water
2 loads of dishes at 4 gallons a load, plus another 2 gallons for rinsing = 10 gallons of water
9 pairs of hands being washed (hopefully!) after every potty break, averaging 6 visits per day = 13+ gallons of water
54 potty daily breaks at 4 gallons a flush with these old toilets = 216 gallons
Food prep and sundry uses, I don't know, maybe 5-10 gallons a day?
That's about 450 gallons of water a day, folks!!!!
Now, we are gross, so I only bathe the Littles about twice (which means once) a week or when they are crusty, and in the summer let the creek do the rest. A few of us don't shower EVERY day, and one or two un-named souls have to be forced into the shower at gunpoint, BUT, those who do shower seldom keep it under 10 minutes. So knock the shower number in half, that still puts us in the range of 350 gallons a day.
Last, and my absolute most favorite, we read that the Leach Field must be kept clear of vegetation. Roots can go down and crawl through the holes in the pipes, blocking them up (OR the black slime can also clog it in reaction to the roots; which is great cuz' it's always nice to have more than one choice for how your system will fail). The awesome water, upon reaching the pipes and finding them impassable, decides to call it a day and head back home, YOUR home. It finds the lowest toilet, tub or shower, and creates a whole new marsh, right there, in your house. That's right. Poo-Water-Opolis.
*****
We are blessed with awesome friends who do not want us to have a bog in our yard, much less the whole downstairs. In the fall, sweet and hard working Kathy and Wayne came with junior workers in tow to help us clear the leach field. Clearing a leach field means removing about 60 trees and a dozen holly bushes (think spiky and stubborn), sizes Charlie-Brown-Tree to Smack-You-In-The-Face tall. They are awesome, we are grateful, and hopefully,
hopefully...
our poo water will never decide
to come back home.
No comments:
Post a Comment