Let me take you on a little tangent

Last night we had donuts for dinner.

My kids told our neighbor all about it when they took a bowl full of donut holes over to say thanks for the cup of milk we had borrowed to make them.  When Doug told his wife, Betty, of our sumptuous supper, she refused to believe it.  It just didn't sound like something I would do.  Well, I do now!

If you know me well, you know that I have the skill of tangents.  No, not the math ones, but the start-and-stop story-telling that is a bit like my mother's "Refrigerator Soup", a little of this, a little of that, all somehow coming together to make a nice, if not somewhat perplexing, final product.  Some folks hate it.  "Get to the POINT!"  they scream in their heads.  What can I say?  It's the way my brain works.

So buckle up.  Here comes one.

The homeschool model we follow (Thomas Jefferson Leadership Education or TJ Ed), is sometimes confusing if not down right frightening to a lot of folks.  There are a few simple concepts.  Kids are hardwired to learn.  It is what has kept us all from still being in diapers and sucking our thumbs as adults (well, most of us).  If we get out of the way and stop being academic bullies, kids will gravitate towards things that they want to learn, and in the process they will learn a bunch of other cool stuff.  If you push 'em, they push back (I think that's a science concept, isn't it?  For every lame parental action, there is an equal and opposite resistant kid reaction...), if you force, they stop learning the groovy thing you are trying to teach them and start learning how to hate learning.  Also, like that whole "If you build it, they will come" notion from Field of Dreams, if you inspire them, they will want to learn. 

In traditional schools, topics are separated.  Though there might be some amazing math concepts in the building of the pyramids, we are told to stick with the history on that one.  Math is for another hour.  With TJ Ed, we are encouraged to allow kids to go with the learning flow, to open up an idea and see where it takes us.  Tangential learning.  This is very hard from the conveyor-belt educational standpoint in which most of us were raised.  What happens if we never get back to the first topic we started with?  What happens if we jump around too much?  We can't just go all willy-nilly, exploring history and literature and other such compartmentalized topics without a map!  What if we get lost and DON'T LEARN ANYTHING?!?!?

Yah, that's gonna happen. 

So I have begun to embrace the tangent.  It started out small.  Tessa saw the word "albatross" in a book and asked what it was.  We looked up a picture, and compared wing spans with other birds. Then I remembered my amazing 7th grade English teacher, Mr. Clerkin, from Scotland, who had us stand each day and recite stanzas from "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner".  I still have them memorized. So I found a reading of it on YouTube set to old illustrations, and we listened to it, all 27 minutes of it! Then we listened to certain parts over again.  The girls were blown away by the dead crew becoming reanimated by a legion of angels as they piloted the ship back to land.  "Zombies!"  they laughed.  It was full of hard words and thrilling twists, and a moral that was not missed by the girls.

A few days later I mentioned on facebook my "Albatross Painting" that is long, long overdue and needs to get done so I can be relieved of the burden of it.  Ethan asked about why I had called it that, and Ellie told him about the story of the Ancient Mariner who killed the albatross and was forced to wear it around his neck as a reminder of his folly.  It was pretty darn cool to have her tell him what my reference had meant.

Then last week I was wanting to teach the kids about French Impressionism.  I began with the early influences of Japanese prints and, well, before I knew what was happening, the kids were all wearing kimonos and we were watching ancient Kabuki theater revival and practicing Kabuki Mie poses,  and coloring the traditional face paint of the villans (blue), good guys (red) and spirits (brown) on prints of 200 year old images.  We spent 3 hours watching dance battles, and even Jonah didn't seem to notice that, um, we don't speak Japanese.  We never got back to impressionism, which bothered me at first, but as the kids chattered away at Guy at the end of the day about our amazing school time, I was able to let it go.  Who cares what I thought they should learn?  They LEARNED!

Then yesterday I really GOT IT.  I didn't resist; I jumped into the River Tangent and let it carry us. We were reading a great book called Little Britches by Ralph Moody.  We read it a few years ago, but a classic can be a source of learning over and over as our lives change and we take on new challenges.  In the book, the boy talks about being picked up by a pack of cowboys and ridden home amongst their thundering horses, their revolvers flashing in their holsters, and how he was sure that was what it must have felt like in "The Charge of the Light Brigade", a poem his mother often quoted from memory.

You know what came next.

We read the poem, watched a little dramatization of it, and saw pictures of the few survivors of that fateful band of brave young men.  I never knew anything about that battle until that moment.  I guess I missed that one back in school.

Then,  back in our book, a neighbor feeds the boy homemade donuts.  Do you see where I'm going with this?

We measured, doubling fractions and then reducing them.  We did chemistry as we mixed milk and vinegar and watched the fats curdle.  We experimented with the heat of the oil and learned at what temperature the baking soda released the maximum amount of gas for the fluffiest donuts.

And then we had them for dinner.

When I was a kids my mother would make donuts about once a year and then let us have them for dinner.  

But that's another tangent.

Dear FTM

Dear First-Time Mama,

I saw your struggling on Sunday a few weeks back.  You were battling with a little walker, one that was in full blown explorer mode during a Grown-up sit-down-and-act-reverent meeting.  With tears of frustration you wandered the halls, lamenting that there seemed no point in even being there.  I tried to offer some encouragement, but I was being called into another grown-ups meeting of my own, for one of my not-so-little boys.  He was being given a new responsibility and I was to be there for support, like I wanted to be there for you.

Being a "first timer" is not very fair.  You are a mama in a time that is less information highway and more information geyser, blasting out facts and opinions dressed as twins, and drenching you.  Every fool, wanna be and meanie, every professional and every wackadoo has staked out a parcel of cyber-turf, and finding an answer that fits is like shopping for a bra online - they look good on other women but will they really feel good when you try them out yourself? Floating your problem out into that ocean may steer your tender new-mama heart into shark infested waters. Commenters hide behind waves of anonymity, free to boldly criticize in a way they never would dare to a sister or friend, or a stranger to their face for that matter.  They extol borrowed wisdom from who-knows-where with out even fully understanding it themselves, and of course neglect to site their sources.

Now, I am the first person to turn to the World Wide Wonder that is the web when I am at a loss, and after 17 years on this pregnancy and parenting train I have learned what to ignore or laugh at, and what to truly consider.  And, I am first-timing it myself - balancing precariously on the tight rope of teenage-tending for the first time.  I have never been the mama of a 16 year old, and I imagine that I have the same white-knuckled expression on my face when I deal with my big boys that you, FTM, have on yours a lot of the time.  But going on 6 times of mom-ing little ones, I have a little that I can share.  Here she blows:

*  You were chosen by God to raise THIS child at THIS time in the world.  Those are some pretty great references.  I would trust them.  Others may have ideas for you, but other than you yourself, the only other authority that matters is the one from above.  Before you make a big change, ask your Father.  He knows what you should do.

*  You probably won't ruin them.  You will screw up, it is true.  You may yell when you swore you wouldn't. You may not be Job in the patience department (although if you read Job, neither was he sometimes.  He didn't turn his back on God, but he let fly with some hefty complainin' here and there!).  The most important thing you can do is to apologize to them when you mess up.  Let them see you correcting your mistakes, and you will have taught them the greater lesson.

*  Ask for real live help from real live people who you know and respect, and whose children are models of what you would love your kids to be like.  Stay away from nameless, faceless forums.  Have a few mamas who you can call upon as your Mothering Mentors, and rely on them in those rough moments when you are on the edge of the cliffs of insanity.  I have no less than six, and I call them for each of the qualities that they excel in when I am in need of coaching.  My sister, Kori, is my go-to-gal for handling the really chaotic times when the needs of one child collide with those of many others (I remember calling to ask, "What do you do when a sick toddler wants you to hold them all day?"  Mother of only 8 at the time - now 11 -said, "You hold 'em.")  For balancing the needs of my children with the needs of other people in my life I call Ruth.  For reading the hearts of my children, I call Francine.  For sickness, Claudette.  Each person that I rely on has a special talent, and I am grateful that I can lean on them in times of need (Come to think of it, I have way more than six!).

And now to that hard one that my friend struggled with.

*What is the point of going to church when neither you, nor your small child, seem to be getting anything out of it?  Well, the nice thing about church is that it is usually very repetitive, reviewing the same basic principals over and over through the years.  It is one of the reasons some folks judge church-going to be a waste of time, since we don't learn "new" things all the time.  Well, everything that you do know was once "new" to you, and it will be to your child, too, from the time they can understand language, whether they seem to be listening or not.

 I will never forget the time I was reading to Ethan as he spun around on his heal, looking at a book and singing a song.  I scolded that he wasn't listening, and he countered by repeating back the last two sentences I had read to him.  They are listening.  They hear bits and snatches.  If your family culture includes going to a house of worship, your children will learn over time in little doses how to act and what is expected.  And because you have had this as a part of your life for years, you will also hear and understand in bits and snatches, calling back to your memory the concepts of faith that you already hold in your heart.

Go.  You will see the people you love there.  You will feel uplifted by the spirit of community there.  You will be blessed for your efforts.  You will be teaching your child your family culture through your example.

And if nothing else, I will get to see you there, and I always enjoy that.

Now, this makes me think of a few things that I think are important, even if they don't apply to my particular FTM friend yet.  It couldn't hurt to mention them, cuz the very predictable thing about wee ones is that they grow up and begin making us crazy.  Here are a few thoughts for the years when sitting through church has become second nature.

*  Think long term.  A temper tantrum in a 2 year old is normal, in a 4 year old is annoying, in a 14 year old is obnoxious and in a 24 year old is ridiculous.  Your responses will come back around for better or for worse in the future.  I know its tempting to just buy the Sponge Bob thingy that lights up, spins around and shoots candy out its butt to preserve the peace until you are out of the check out line, but I promise, having a teen pitch a fit over a new cell phone (when they have the skills to argue Judge Judy under the table), or a young adult over financial assistance, is much worse.

*  While we're on the subject, PLEASE let your kids experience their consequences when they are young.  Don't bail them out.  If they take a handful of fishy crackers that doesn't belong to them, it is a great opportunity for them to learn about honesty, and far cheaper than the lesson they would learn by stealing a pack of gum at age 7, which is a cheaper lesson still than the one that is learned by stealing a car at 18. (Think your kid would NEVER do any of that?  Well, let me know when the next flight leaves for that fantasy island.  I'll join you)  Everything that your kids need to learn has a cheap version, and an expensive one.  Spare them the pain now and you set them up for much greater pain later.

  *  Get the heck outta your helicopter.  You don't have a licence, and you are going to rob your kids the opportunity of having practice at problem solving before becoming a grown up.  Don't rush in at play group and solve a battle between two toddlers over a toy.  Don't hurry to the coach to ask that your kid be made forward.  Don't swoop in to the classroom to ask teacher that your kid go to the party that they have been excluded from because of not doing their work.  Remember that scene in Finding Nemo when Squirt, the little turtle, falls out of the East Austrailian Current into the ocean alone, and Marlin reacts to try to save him?  His father, Crush, holds Marlin back saying, "Whoa.  Kill the motor, dude.  Let us see what Squirt does flying solo."  Squirt is fine, and your squirt will be, too.

*****

My favorite parenting philosophy is Parenting with Love and Logic http://www.loveandlogic.com/ , and I use it in tandem with the philosophies of Thomas Jefferson Leadership Education http://www.tjed.org/.