Being in the Present

In January I had an appointment at the dentist for my usual cleaning with Holli, who I have been seeing faithfully for years now. If she ever quits, I swear I will simply stop brushing my teeth and let them all fall out. At that visit, I was supposed to have x-rays.
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"Um, I can't" I had said quietly, "I'm pregnant."

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Holli knew about all of our losses, and at the end of our appointment wished me a loving good-luck, saying she hoped to see me in six months with a big round belly and a matching smile. As I got to the car, I pictured the two scenarios; walking into the office with a full-moon belly, or walking in with a flat one. I figured it would be the latter.

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I hadn't realized until yesterday what a milestone my next appointment had become in my mind until I stood up in the waiting room to walk back to my cleaning with Holli.

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"Look what I brought." I giggled, pointing at my bulging lump. She squealed and hugged, and there I was, on the other side of the six months, best case scenario a reality. I sort of gushed and bubbled inside with joy. It was like a lid opened in my heart and all of the tension and breath holding and waiting just splooshed out of me (right here is where you open a 2 liter bottle of root beer and hear the pressure built up there just... ppsstttt!!!! release!).

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When I left, there were well wishes and promises to bring the new baby on my next visit. Wow. How cool is that.

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When I got home, there was a package on the table with pastel foot prints and hand prints all over it. "It's a baby present from Mary at work." Guy had said casually.

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"A baby present?" I said in shock. I hadn't even thought of that, and as I did, tears just sprang into my eyes and tumbled down my silly face.

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Really? A baby present?

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How cool is that.

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Then, today I had an appointment. Not with my midwife (that is tomorrow), but with a therapist that I have been checking in with to develop a plan in the event that I experience another bad bout of post partum depression. Our last visit had focused on fear, acceptance, and trying to release judgement. This time, it was just about now, about realizing that I am just weeks away from holding our baby.

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"It's time to get ready." she said. Her words splashed over me and echoed in my head.

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She challenged me to begin taking out a few baby things and preparing the house. "On the 11th, Sunday, it will be one month till your due date. Why don't you start Sunday?"

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Whoa.

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I agreed, but when I got home, I found the getting ready had begun without me. The birth kit had arrived and was sitting on the table.

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We opened it and checked the contents; suctioning devices and cord clamps, gauze tissues, sterile gloves, anti bacterial cleansers and ...

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one tiny, white hat.

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Ellie stood by with a thousand questions. She grabbed for the hat, but I shooed her away from it, "We have to keep everything sterile," I said. Then Guy leaped ahead, "Yeah, we have to get the receiving blankets out and sterilize them, too. Do we still have them?"

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I don't know. I will have to look. Soon, I guess.

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How. cool. is. that.