Gwowing Up

  "I dohn wanna gwow up."

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"Oh, you will like growing up, because then you get to be a mom."

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"I dohn wanna gwow up, cuz den you guys will all be old!  And I dohn wanna be a mom!  But dere is no way of God stop making me gwow."

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"But you aren't growing up right this minute."

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"Yeah, but a long time ago I gonna be sad cuz I gwew up.  And now I'm hungwy."

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"Ok, you can eat."

"Being a kid is much mowah fun."

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"Yes, it is."

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"I'm gonna miss the toy that Ethan gave me, and I am gonna miss evwything.  And you will get old and I wohn know where you live!"

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"I will always tell you where I live."

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"But you will get old and you will die..."

Tessa was looking at my kindergarten picture today, and had a glimpse of her own mortality, and mine.  I had received a package in the mail a few weeks ago.  My sister had found the dress, the dress she and I and our older sister had all worn for our kindergarten picture.  We tried the dress on Tessa, and later I found the picture of me at about her age.  We sat comparing it to the ones I had taken of her in the dress, and of Ellie wearing the replica I had made for her.

Tessa looked at the picture of her mama, a five year old, and her sister, looking like my five year old twin.  Somehow, she made a leap far beyond her years, and realized that she, like me, would grow up someday. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about mothering.  About the women who came before me, and now, about the women who will come after me.  The generations before mine seldom thought about mothering, or about how to become better at the mom thing.  I don't have to recreate the past -like the dress- or pass down unconscious and unkind behaviors to my own daughters.  I can pick the good that I was shown and add the good that I have learned from amazing mothers around me. 

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And maybe  I can create a new dress. 

 A garment of love and tenderness, joy, patience and forgiveness. 

One that would have fit that little girl all those years ago. 

.  One that will be just right for my own cherished daughters.