Heavy

Our hearts have been heavy this weekend.  Friday morning Tessa discovered that faithful ChimChim had passed on to greener hamster cages.  Tess invited us all to attend his funeral.  She wore black, of her own accord.  We sang All Creatures of our God and King, because, well... obviously.  Tessa found a pencil case to put him in, gathered flowers in a tin can, and when it was over we placed a big rock over the grave.  After everyone else went inside, I held her on my lap and tried to comfort her.

"You know Tessa, now ChimChim isn't in pain with that big growth on his shoulder and he is up in heaven with Nibbles.  And I really believe that after we all die, when you are like, a hundred and ten, you will get to see them again."

She looked at me almost sternly, "Only I am prob'ly only gonna live till I'm 92!  And now you are talking about this and now I am thinking about ME dying!  And you are freaking me out!" she earnestly whined through her tears. 

While humor can be found in her sweet expressions, there is really nothing funny about watching your child hurt.  Her little heart is broken, and watching her makes mine heavy.

 

*****

 Then our dear friend Marion passed away in the wee hours on Saturday morning at the age of 89.  Guy and I were on our way over to see her when we got the news that she was already gone.  This afternoon I thought, "Oh, we should go visit...." then came that realization, "oh, that's right, she's gone."  I had to break the news to Addy boy.  He has taken piano and organ lessons from Marion for about 2 years, maybe more.  I sat him down on the edge of the tub beside me and we hugged and cried together for a good while.  Even though she was my friend, Adam has spent more time with her than anyone in our family.  I will miss her very much.  I know he will too.

We also got news that my friend Steph didn't get the report she was hoping for after her chemo.  Her tumors are not responding, and radiation is the next step.  She and her family have been forced to think about her mortality.  Certainly no one is giving up, and everyone is hoping and praying for her.  Still, it is so heavy for them.

 *****

Today in church my honey was conducting the meeting, and spoke of the many scriptures that have been going through his heart lately.  "Lean not unto thine own understanding," and "Be still and know that I am God".  One he mentioned stood out to me the most; "I will show forth my wonders..."

 

I do believe in miracles, but I am starting to understand that they actually happen in our hearts.  We tend to hold on to this mortal sphere with a white-knuckled grip.  We take extreme measures to prolong and to fix and to save,
and Oh!  How we mourn. 

But what if this life is really just the commercial in our movie? 

We can't seem to imagine something mattering any more to us
than this here and now. 

 I am beginning to think that the true miracle happens when we finally reach a place where we can give our will over and trust God fully,
 regardless of what happens.

If we can do that, then come what may, all is well with us.

 

Today a man at church named Russ, who just weeks ago had his leg amputated, stood on his one semi-good foot and testified of the love of God, of the power of prayer, and of the existence of miracles.  Surely, most would agree that a miracle for him would have left him standing on two feet, but seeing him radiate with God's love
 as he shared his gratitude was,
 to me, truly miraculous.

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A little something to make you smile... Jonah, of course!

(and though Natalie bellows through the whole thing, rest assured

she was in Daddy's loving arms being comforted all the same). 

 

 

Heavy eyelids, heavy head.