The Last Cradle

A friend gave us this cradle when her last babe was done with it, so it wasn't even one that I used for all of my babies.

First, for Ethan, there was a bassinet; a garage sale find.

Next was a crib; a hand-me-down from folks at church.

By the time Adam was a few months old I'd gotten rid of it because we had taken to co-sleeping, and the crib was just a place to pile blankets.

But when Ellie was on her way I found a little swinging Jenny Lind cradle at a second hand store and brought it home.  After losing the baby before her, it was my way of affirming that it would be okay to plan for the happy arrival of this little one.

It lasted through Tessa, and then was decommissioned.  A little too rickety.

But then Jonah made his way into the world, and this cradle, this last cradle, made it's way into our house, well loved and used by my friend Nicole for her littles turned bigs.

And at our home, the cradle was again well used.  Jumbo Jonah insisted on catching his zzz's in it till he had to bend his knees to fit. And then tiny Natalie, who I tended to place into it more often for the sake of all of our sleep (because of her ability to place her left foot in my spleen while her right occupied Guy's armpit), used it until not so long ago.

A few months ago the big girls got a bunk bed with a twin on top and a full sized mattress on the bottom, and Ellie began stealing Natalie away at bedtime to share her lower bunk, apparently undaunted by Natalie's nighttime calisthenics.

******

I don't know when the last night slipped by that my last baby had her last dream in the little wooden cradle.  It just happened one day.  One morning I simply realized that the cradle hadn't been used in... days? weeks? I wasn't sure.

I sat on the floor by my bed, folding the jumble of baby blankets it held into a tidy, still pile. The kind of pile that is waiting for a cupboard or a box, and not a chubby little person.  I cried a little, and pressed the cloth into my face trying to catch a hint, a whiff, of my babies there.

But I couldn't.

I left the cradle, with it's pile of carefully folded blankets, there for a few weeks, a month, or maybe two, telling myself there was no place in the garage for it.  And then one day Guy suggested we move it out.

"Don't rush me." I said.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to this last little cradle. I thought.

*****

Then one day a few weeks ago I finally moved it out of our room.  Natalie is 3 after all.  But I firmly informed Guy not to get any fancy notions of sending it off to Goodwill, that my grandbabies WOULD be sleeping in it, and that until that time, it would be waiting.

Waiting to hold babies again.

There is something so impossibly hard about saying goodbye to baby days.  I have been rocking babies for nearly 20 years.  It's who I am now.  It's my identity.  I'm a mommy.  Not just a mom, but a mommy.  A nose wiping, back stroking, booty patting, weep comforting, sleep coaxing mommy.

And cradle or not, I always will be.

Natalie on her new toddler bed.

Lovely Ladies

These two beauties,

with pale blue eyes,

and freckle kissed cheeks,

have a sweet and tender bond.

Everyone in our family has a special relationship with little Nano.  But that between she and Ellie is unique.  Ellie is Nano's other mama.  When I can't come, Ellie is always there to wipe a nose or bummy, to feed her and play with her. To be there for her.

But one thing they both love is bedtime.  They share a full sized bed in our crowded kid room.  After jammies and teeth are tended to, I snuggle little Nanobot (if I don't, she is sure to march back out of the room and laugh, "Mama!  You fohgot 'nuggle me!  Sihwey!")

(that means silly, Silly!).

And when we are done, she gives me a kiss with the tiniest, little wet pucker, beeps her nosie on mine; "Beep!", and says,

"Nah-night, Mama.  I wuv you!"

Then she trundles off down the hall to find Ellie.  She snuggles in close and is read to, then drifts of to sleep beside her big sissy.  

I know some folks would disapprove.  

Let them.

I used to state statistics, quote studies, and describe other cultures that embrace co-sleeping, listing at length the benefits both to the child and their community.  Not anymore.  I don't care what anyone thinks.

I know what I know.

I know that I love snuggling.

I sleep better when my sweetie is there to comfort me after a nightmare.

I feel safe on the long nights when I can't fall asleep, just listening to his humming breath sounds.  And if I, as a grown up (or one who pretends to be), benefit from a closeness to my loved one when the moon comes up, how much more so might a small person who only has made a few short trips around the sun so far?

At worst, I figure, Nano will have learned to rely on having someone she loves and trusts near by.  Yeah, that's probably terrible.  It'll ruin her for sure!

Yup.  It might turn her into a trusting, loving human being.

Disgraceful!

It may even teach her to nurture and tend to little people later on in her life.  

Seriously bad parenting move, here.

A cynic would declare that we don't all have someone later in life.  That training her up like this might make her dependent in a weak, can't-take-care-of-herself sort of way.

Ellie slept with me till she was about three, as did the others.  

Turns out that it did not damage her and make her crazy dependent on me.  And she's not alone in that.  Every one of our children had the same beginning, and I promise you not one of them crawls into bed with us now.  They're pretty independent kiddos.

I sincerely hope that each of the kids will maintain the sweet and tender relationship they have with Natalie as she grows into a more opinionated, certainly more rambunctious kiddo, but I think that her bond with Ellie will be the strongest.

And as I watch Ellie grow from child to woman, I am impressed to see how easily she slips into the role of caretaker.  It is nothing to her to take Nano potty, to dress and feed her, or to comfort her when she's sad, without even being asked.  She (usually) doesn't even complain about the added responsibility.  And it is teaching her so much about life and the world around her in a way that most young ladies simply wouldn't have the opportunity to experience.  I'm proud of her as I witness her growth.  Sure, she rolls her eyes once in a while, but more often she is just learning to be a good person as she bridges the gap between girlhood and the great beyond. 

And all the while, there are little people watching and learning from her example.

It's just lovely.