When Heidi was pregnant with Eli, I was pregnant, but not with Jonah. Then, when the baby I carried was miscarried, I watched her continue to grow. Her belly got bigger, and mine got smaller. I got pregnant again after a while, and though I didn't know it at the time, the little one I carried would stay, and grow, and become the fat little baby that I love so much. But I didn't know it then. Then, the grief seemed interminable.
Not long ago, I went to Heidi's house, and we visited while Eli and Jonah played on the floor. Though there are several months between them, Jonah has caught up with Eli size-wise. I thought of the first time Heidi and I stood side by side at a church dinner, babes in arms, and I realized that even though my pain had seemed to go on forever when Guy and I were in our season of losses, there I stood, peace in my heart, and joy incarnate bundled in my arms. I rejoiced and marveled that Heidi and I now stood side by side, bouncing fussy, sleepy babies in our arms. In that moment, I thought of Ruth.
Ruth has a whole chamber of my heart that belongs just to her. She is a fixture in my prayers, and when I love on my Jonah-boy, I think of her Rhys. I know her empty arms still long for a little one to fill them. I know her heart aches. There are days that sneak up on her and ambush her with no warning. The days and weeks and months blur together behind eyes misty with tears, while she smiles them away so that she can focus her sight on her children who need her. She is brave and humble and patient in her trial.
Standing there beside Heidi, our babies drifting to sleep in our arms, I imagined someday. Someday, when Ruth and I would stand, rocking side-to-side with our children in our arms. I don't know exactly when that day will be, but I know it will come sooner than we can imagine. Someday her pain will fade a little, and joy will light up the corners of her heart that have been darkened for a time.
I look forward to someday.