They came out of the closet… my maternity clothes. A few items I had thrown in the back after the last miscarriage, grabbed out of desperation. I held my breath and put them on. “Too soon”, I thought. Then the next day, I eased myself into them again -- to go to the school and the market -- under a bulky sweater. I got caught.
My daughter’s teachers saw my bump.
Last night I wore a fitting top and some cute jeans that made me look 24, not 14 weeks along, but it was just out to eat with friends who know our secret. I gave my husband a look at my profile. “I look pregnant.” I said with some concern in my voice. “You are pregnant.” He said. It felt like a lie.
Today I put on a very showy shirt, one that is so very “You are pregnant”, and tried to get the courage to go tell our neighbors, who have been so supportive. I helped them birth their last baby 2 months ago - me pregnant and scared to even breathe, terrified to be around birth, but determined not to let fear dictate what good I would or would not do. I chickened out about telling them. Maybe tomorrow.
Tomorrow I plan to make my belly-debut at church. I intend to wear my red maternity sweater with the skirt that hugs up under my belly. It will be like a big road sign, with a gawky red arrow that points straight at my paunch. “Warning: bumps ahead”.
I think. Maybe. I want to chicken out. The way I wanted to chicken out moments before telling the kids about the maybe-baby. But that was over a week ago, and I am still pregnant. But then, the last time we thought we were ok, we were wrong. I lost the baby just days after telling friends. But then, we never had a heartbeat with the other babies. But then, we had never checked. But then, we have lasted longer this time than with the others. But then,…
There are no road maps for this one.
Warning: bumps ahead. Proceed with caution
(And to our neighbors Shallon and Morri, just so you know, we have come over 3 times since I wrote this post on Saturday to tell you but have missed you each time! So if you read this before we try again tomorrow, I am sorry!)