Me: "Who has the best seat in the house, me or daddy?"

Adam: "Well, Daddy's is nice, but yours is best. Your's is squishier."

Friday, August 27, 2010

He Smiled!

Gorgeous photo of baby Jonah by Erin Langstraat (thank you Erin!)

And not just one of those pre-blow-out smiles that turns into a scowl and ends with a haz-mat cleanup. Jonah and I were sitting under the Mulberry trees at sunset (so romantic, in that babylove kinda' way) and I was telling him all about neighborhood dogs and noisy teenagers. Well, one thing led to another, and there I was tickling his ribs.

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Then it happened.

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His nose scrunched. His eyes squinted. His lips spread and... wham! Baby smile- a for real, beautiful, gummy smile. It faded, and there was no encore, but it was a thing to behold. The crazy thing is that earlier today I was explaining to him that Ellie had smiled at me at 13 days old (we had been on our first outing to In-n-Out Burger, who wouldn't smile?), and that he could not be outdone by his sister. I guess he'd had time to think it over and decided I was right (Good job, son. Mama is always right).

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I find myself alone in the house for the first time with baby Jonah. Hormones and an ubber-quiet house are not a great combo for me.
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I am alone because I wore myself out today. I wore myself out because we went out to lunch at Dianda's today, then to look for a bra that can handle my new hooters. We had no luck. Instead we used a gift card at a screaming JC Penny's sale and left with 8 outfits for ten cents (that's after the gift card, but still!). We tried Target, but apparently women who shop there are even less likely to nurse than the Penny's crowd.
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I showed them. I parked it in the cafe and had my own nursing protest (actually, I just fed Jonah discreetly, but I was ready in case someone decided to take me on... I know the California State law protecting a woman's right to breastfeed verbatim. Sadly, no one has ever taken me on).
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After we gathered our other goslings from school, we came home and Jonah and I crashed. When we woke up Jonah said he would rather kick it at home with mama than to go to the Cub Scout rain-gutter regatta, and so we find ourselves here. Alone.
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Um, yeah, only now I am awake, but Jonah is very asleep. I don't do really well when I am alone, especially not post-partum alone. The waters of after-babydom are usually a bit rocky for me. After Ethan was born I had severe post partum depression, and it was 17 months before I got any help. With Adam, I armed myself in advance with medicine and support, and combined with his amazing birth, I was blissed out for weeks. Then the girls came, and thinking I was going to handle it just fine, I went it alone. Bad idea.
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Several veteran mamas around me tell me that my little boat is rocking at a pretty average rate. Apparently bursting into tears several times a day can be considered perfectly normal. It still scares me a little, though, because I think that I might be at the beginning of a slippery, down-hill slope; one that starts with a few crying jags and ends with me knocking on strangers doors at midnight in my skivies asking to borrow a cup of sanity.
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As I sat out under the trees with Jonah, basking in the glow of his fading smile, I began to weep at the thought of him being my last, sweet, yummy baby.
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Please, somebody tell how very normal that is.

5 comments:

julean said...

Hi,
You sound quite normal to me. It stinks, but I think it's normal.
I've been crying for months now and my most recent post-partum days were 3years ago! (I think that's partly why there are so many tears.)

Being with Aaron alone in the house his first few months was tough. I felt so churned up and cried non-stop. One thing I learned is not to listen to music while alone with him. Even now when I hear a particular song, I can't help but get choked up just from the memory of it.

Just hang in there. Being a mom is so crazy! Too many emotions all at once, our souls just can't take it all in sometimes so the tears pour out. You're dong a good job. Just keep on loving and caring for all your little ones. Your hormones will even out more and more.

Much love and hugs,
julean

Stephanie said...

you're totally normal!

Rebekah said...

I would say that is so normal it is wierd. Just because I don't think "Normal" and think oh yeah you. I am kidding. It is a transition that your mind has to go through that this is the last baby, belive me it has taken me 5 years. So you can be "Normal" in this part of your life. Love ya!

Dawn said...

Your blog is beautiful ~ would have loved this connection & resource 9 years ago with my last baby & severe PPD. So glad you stopped by!

Rebekah said...

Did I tell you how wonderful this picture is. Wow I love it!!!